ಬ್ರಹ್ಮಕಮಲ

ಕೇವಲ ಹತ್ತು ಹನ್ನೆರಡು ಗಂಟೆಗಳ ಆಯಸ್ಸು ಈ ಹೂವಿಗೆ.
ಮೊಗ್ಗು ಮೂಡಲು ದಿನಗಟ್ಟಳೆ ತೆಗೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತದೆ. ಆದರೆ
ರಾತ್ರಿ ೮-೯ ರಷ್ಟಕ್ಕೆ ಅರಳಲು ಸುರುಮಾಡುತ್ತದೆ ಮಧ್ಯರಾತ್ರಿ
ಸಂಪೂರ್ಣ ಅರಳುತ್ತದೆ. ೩ ಗಂಟೆಯಾಗುವಾಗ ಬಾಡಲು
ಸುರುವಾಗುತ್ತದೆ. ಬೆಳಗ್ಗೆ  ೬-೭ ಗಂಟೆಗೆ ಸಂಪೂರ್ಣ ಬಾಡುತ್ತದೆ.
 ಅದು ಅರಳುವುದನ್ನು ನೋಡುವುದೇ ಸಂತಸ ನೀಡುವ ಕ್ಷಣಗಳು.
ಅದರ ಚಂದ, ಅಚ್ಚ ಬಿಳುಪು ಬಣ್ಣ ಅದು ಹೊರಸೂಸುವ ಪರಿಮಳ
ಅದರ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ಕುಳಿತು ಅದನ್ನು ನೋಡುತ್ತ ಅನುಭವಿಸಬೇಕಷ್ಟೇ.
ವಿವರಿಸಲಾಗದು.
ಆದರೆ ರಾತ್ರಿ ನಿದ್ದೆಗೆಟ್ಟು ಎಷ್ಟು ಜನ ಈ ಸಂತಸವನ್ನು ಅನುಭವಿಸುತ್ತಾರೆ?

Brahmakamala is a very rare flower with a very
short life. It takes days to form a bud. One fine
day it starts blooming by about 8-9 pm and at
midnight it is fully bloomed. But by 3 am it starts
closing. By 6-7 am it is gone.It is really a heavenly
pleasure to watch it bloom.The beauty, pure
white color with a maddening light smell can not be
explained in words. We have to sit with it and watch.
But who has time to sit and watch in the night?

                                 






ಬಿಡುವು                      

ಜೀವನದಲ್ಲೇನಿದೆ ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಇದ್ದೂ
ಒಂದು ಕ್ಷಣ ಮೈಮರೆತು ನಿಂತು      
ಕಣ್ಣೆಟಕುವಷ್ಟು ದೂರದವರೆಗೆ
ದೃಷ್ಟಿ ಹಾಯಿಸಲು ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲದ ಮೇಲೆ?

ಹಸಿರುಹೊದ್ದ ಮರದ ನೆರಳಲಿ ನಿಂತು
ದನಕರು, ಕುರಿಮಂದೆ ಮೇಯುತ್ತಿರುವಷ್ಟು
ದೂರದವರೆಗೆ ಕಣ್ಣು ಹಿಗ್ಗಿಸಿ
ನೋಡಲು ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲದ ಮೇಲೆ?

ದಟ್ಟಡವಿಯಲಿ ಹಾದು ಹೋಗುವಾಗ          
ಹಣ್ಣಾಗಿ ಉದುರಿದ್ದ ಬೀಜಗಳ ಹೆಕ್ಕಿ ಹುಲ್ಲಿನ ಪೊದೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ
ಅಡಗಿಸಿಡುವ ಅಳಿಲಿನ ತುಂಟಾಟವ ನೋಡಿ
ನಗಲು ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲದ ಮೇಲೆ?

ನಕ್ಷತ್ರಗಳು ಫಳಫಳಿಸುವ  ರಾತ್ರಿಯಾಕಾಶವನ್ನು ನೆನಪಿಸುವಂತೆ
ಜುಳುಜುಳು ಹರಿವ ನೀರಲ್ಲಿ ರವಿಕಿರಣ ಪ್ರತಿಫಲಿಸಿ
ಮಟಮಟ ಮಧ್ಯಾಹ್ನದಲಿ ನಕ್ಷತ್ರಗಳ ಹಿಂಡನ್ನೇ ಸೃಷ್ಟಿಸಿರುವ
ಅಂದವ ನೋಡಿ ಆನಂದಿಸಲು ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲದ ಮೇಲೆ?

ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲ, ನಮಗೆ ಯಾವುದಕ್ಕೂ ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲ
ಪ್ರಕೃತಿದೇವಿ ಸೌಂದರ್ಯ ಸ್ಪರ್ಧೆಯಲಿ ಪಂಥಕಟ್ಟಿ
ನಲಿಯುವುದ ನೋಡಲು; ಅವಳ ಕಣ್ಣಲ್ಲಿ ಮಿಂಚಿದ ನಗು
ಹೂವಾಗಿ ಗಿಡಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಬಿರಿಯುವುದ ನೋಡಲು ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲ.
                                                                                         
ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಇದ್ದರೂ ಒಂದು ಕ್ಷಣ ಮೈಮರೆತು ನಿಂತು
ಕಣ್ಣೆಟಕುವಷ್ಟು ದೂರದವರೆಗೆ ದೃಷ್ಟಿ ಹಾಯಿಸಲು ನಮಗೆ ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲ.  
ಯಾವುದಕ್ಕೂ ಬಿಡುವಿಲ್ಲದ ಜೀವನಕ್ಕೇನರ್ಥ?
ಅದು ಏನೂ ಇಲ್ಲದ ಬರಡು ಭೂಮಿ!
                   

(ಸರ್ ವಿಲಿಯಮ್ ಹೆನ್ರಿ ಡೇವಿಸ್ ಅವರ ’ ಲೀಜರ್’ಕವನದಿಂದ ಪ್ರೇರಿತ)

                                                 

Music of the Breeze!                                 

           
We have no time to stand and stare
                        
The squirrels playing in the woods,                                                        
The stars falling down from the sky;
                               
Showers of rain drenching the trees!  
                             

We have no time to put our steps  
                                   

With the dancing grass in the grandfather's field                  

Walk along the banks of the river counting fish!
                 

And enjoy the music of the breeze!    
                              

We are busy in raising our status  
                                                

We have no time to listen to our heart beats                       

Which always sing the songs of life!

We forget to live the life we love to live!

This is the tragedy, we are always busy

No time for the little things we love to do

We live a life tailor made for us

And forget to live and smile at the silver linings

Peeping through the clouds!

We are ever busy, always on our heels

Every moment tensed; no time is left for ourselves.

Is there any meaning to such life?

No we are lost for ever!

Reality

Recently
When I was lying
Alone
On the hospital bed
Some doubts
Eating the doctor's head
I realized -
Time has come
To vacate this place
And give space
To the new lives
Which are on their way
To reach this world !
I realized -
I have to hurry up
There is so much
Work to finish
Oh yes,
Now there is
no time
to waste!

CRUSHED ROSES

They are the crushed roses,
Crushed before blooming.
They are the victims of
The ghastly acts of few men
Who have lost their senses.
They are the victims,
But they are the survivors!?
They need our help.
They never had the chance to speak,
They never got justice,
They never had the chance to heal.
It is not their fault,
Still, they are the sufferers.
They are like any one of us
But, they are the victims.
Allow them to speak
Listen to them, don’t judge
Give them comfort, offer shelter
Help them to seek justice
Help them to come out of their nightmare.
That is the least we can do for them.
They are raped.
It is not their fault,
They have to live
They are the survivors!?

ಸೃಷ್ಟಿಕರ್ತ

ಸದಾ ಉತ್ಸವ ಜಗದೊಳಗೆ-
ಉಳುವ, ಬಿತ್ತುವ, ಟಿಸಿಲೊಡೆಯುವ
ಹೂವಾಗುವ, ಕಾಯಿಯಾಗುವ, ಮಾಗುವ ಸಂಭ್ರಮ ಪ್ರಕೃತಿಗೆ!
ಹಸಿರು ತೋರಣ, ಋತುಗಳ ಮೆರವಣಿಗೆ,
ಬಣ್ಣಗಳ ಚೆಲ್ಲಾಟ, ಹಕ್ಕಿಗಳ ಕಲರವ, ಗಾಳಿಯ ನಿನಾದ,
ಸೂರ್ಯನ ಬಿಸಿ, ಚಂದಿರನ ತಂಪು
ಹೇಗೆ ಸೃಷ್ಟಿಸಿದೆ ಇವನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ?

ಭಾಗಳ ರಂಗು ಹೃದಯದ ಒಸರಲ್ಲಿ
ಹೊಂಬಣ್ಣದ ತೆನೆ ಹಸಿರಿನ ಬಸಿರಲ್ಲಿ
ಬಣ್ಣಗಳ ಮೇಳ ಹಸಿರಿನ ಉಸಿರಲ್ಲಿ.
ಧರಿತ್ರಿಗೆ ಕಿರೀಟಗಳು ಹಿಮಚ್ಛಾದಿತ  ಪರ್ವತಶ್ರೇಣಿಗಳು
ಏರೆದೆಗೆ ಪೀಠಗಳು ಗುಡ್ಡಬೆಟ್ಟಗಳು
ಜೀವಚರಗಳಿಗೆ ಜೀವಸೆಲೆ ಜಲಪಾತ, ಝರಿಗಳು.
ಜೀವ ಜಲಕೆ ಒಸರು ನದಿ,ಕೆರೆ ಸರೋವರಗಳು!
ಹೇಗೆ ಸೃಷ್ಟಿಸಿದೆ ಇವನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ?

ಪೃಥ್ವಿಯ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ಸಾಗರವನ್ನಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಕಂಬಗಳಿಲ್ಲದೆ ಬಾನಿನ ಚಪ್ಪರ ಹಾಕಿಯೇ ಬಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಭೂಮಿಯ ಮೇಲೆ ಪಶು ಪಕ್ಷಿ ಪ್ರಾಣಿಗಳ ಓಡಾಡಬಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಮನುಜರ ಸೃಷ್ಟಿಸಿ ಭಾವಗಳ ರಂಗನು ತುಂಬಿಆಳಲು ಬಿಟ್ಟೆ;
ಸಾಗರದೊಳಗೆ ಬಣ್ಣಬಣ್ಣದ  ಜಲಚರಗಳ ತೇಲಿಸಿಬಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಪುಟ್ಟಪುಟ್ಟ ಚಿಟ್ಟೆಗಳ ಬಣ್ಣದಲ್ಲದ್ದಿ ಮೆರೆಯಲು ಬಿಟ್ಟೆ;
ಎಲ್ಲವೂ ನಿನ್ನಯ ಸೃಷ್ಟಿ, ಆದರೂ ಬೇರೆ ಬೇರೆ
ಒಂದರ ಹಾಗೆ ಇನ್ನೊಂದಿಲ್ಲ. ಒಂದರ ಬಣ್ಣ ಇನ್ನೊಂದಕ್ಕಿಲ್ಲ.
ಎಲ್ಲಿಂದ ತಂದೆ ಇಷ್ಟೊಂದು ವೈವಿಧ್ಯತೆ?

ಹೆಣ್ಣಿನ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ಗಂಡನ್ನಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಭಾವಗಳ ಓಟಕೆ ರಂಗನು ಎರೆದೆ.
ಕಾಮದ ಬೆಂಕಿಯ ಹಚ್ಚಿ ಹೊಸಹುಟ್ಟಿಗೆ ಇಂಬನ್ನಿತ್ತೆ.
ಪ್ರೀತಿಪಾಠದ ಅಕ್ಕರಿಗ ನೀನು
ಪ್ರೀತಿಯೇ ಜಗದ ಉಸಿರೆಂದೆ.
ಆದರೂ ಪ್ರೀತಿಯ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ದ್ವೇಷವನ್ನಿಟ್ಟೆ;
ಸುಖದ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ದುಖಃವನ್ನಿಟ್ಟೆ
ಯಾಕೆ ಹೀಗೆ ಮಾಡಿದೆ?

ಹಗಲಿನಾಗಸದಲಿ ನೇಸರ ಹೊಂಬಿಸಿಲು
ಇರುಳಿನಾಕಾಶದಲಿ ಶಶಿಯ ತಂಬೆಳಕು;
ಅಂಬರದಂಗಳದಲಿ ನಕ್ಷತ್ರಗಳ ಹೊಳಪು
ಮರಗಳ ತುಂಬ ಮಿಂಚುಳ್ಳಿ ಮಿಣುಕು;
ಮೋಡಗಳ ನಡುವೆ ಮಿಂಚಿನ ಝಳಪು;
ಬೆಳಕಿಗೆಂದೂ ಬರವಿಲ್ಲ,
ಆದರೆ ಮನಮನದೊಳಗೊಂದೊಂದು
ನಕ್ಷತ್ರವನ್ನಿಡಲು ಏಕೆ ಮರೆತೆ?

ಭೂಮಿಯ ಸಹನೆ, ಅಲೆಗಳ ಚಂಚಲತೆ
ಗಾಳಿಯ ಚೈತನ್ಯ, ಆಗಸದ ಐಕ್ಯತೆ
ಎಲ್ಲವೂ ಕಲಿಕೆಯ ಆಗರ. ಎಲ್ಲದಕ್ಕೂ ನೀನೆ ಗುರು
ಎಲ್ಲರೂ ನಿನ್ನ ಕೈಯಲ್ಲಿ ಅಕ್ಷ,
ನೀ ಹೇಳಿದಂತೆ ಇಡೀ ಜಗ.
ಆದರೂ ಮುತ್ತಿದೆ ದ್ವೇಷದ ಹಗೆ, ನೋವಿನ ಧಗೆ
ಶಾಂತಿಯ ಏಕೆ ತುಟ್ಟಿಯಾಗಿಸಿದೆ?

ನಿನ್ನಯ ಬಣ್ಣದ ಬಾಂಡಲಿ ಅಕ್ಷಯ!
ರಂಗಿಗೆ ಬರವಿಲ್ಲ, ರಾಗಕೆ ಮೌನವಿಲ್ಲ
ನೀ ಬರೆವ ಚಿತ್ರಗಳಿಗೆ ಕೊನೆಯಿಲ್ಲ
ಇಡೀ ಬ್ರಹ್ಮಾಂಡವೇ ನಿನ್ನ ಕ್ಯಾನ್ವಾಸ್;
ಎಲ್ಲವೂ ಅಗಾಧ, ಅಕಲಂಕ, ಅಕೃತ್ರಿಮ.
ಕಣ್ಣಿಗೆ ಕಾಣದ ಚಿತ್ರಿಕ ನೀನು;
ನಿನ್ನೊಲವು ಅಕ್ಷೀಣ. ನಿನ್ನ ಅಣತಿಗೆ ನಮ್ಮ ಸವಾಲಿಲ್ಲ.
ಎಲ್ಲವ ಹೊತ್ತ ಅಗಧರ ನೀನು. ನಿನಗೆ ನೀನೇ ಸವಾಲು.
ಎಲ್ಲಿರುವೆ ನೀನು ಹೇಗಿರುವೆ?



I Salute YOU


Ever festive, always creative
Sowing, sprouting, flowering and bearing fruits
Nature is full of life every moment you blink!
Seasons change –
Burning heat, withering greens
Rains pour wetting the land, greens sprout
Flowers bloom sending fragrance with the breeze.
Nothing stops nature's motherhood!

Chill of the winter, Chirps of birds,
Melody of wind, warmth of sun
Soothing moonlight, everything in abundance
How did you create all these?

Golden sproutings from the woumb of green
Sprinkle of colours everywhere on earth!
Ice clad moutains as the crown to the nature queen
Hills and valleys as the cradles for angels
Waterfalls, rivers and ponds to quench the thirst-
How did you create all these?

You kept the motherland in the midst of deep seas
Spread the roof of star studded blue sky without any pillars
Created animals and birds to enjoy nature
Comely fish to add brightness into the scary depth!
Painted butterflies in variety of colours
Sent them to suck honey from flowers!
Created human beings and sent them to rule.
All are your creations but nothing resembles the other!
How did you create varieties?

Kept Eve with Adam
Filled their heart with lot of feelings and desires;
Emotions overflow from the depth of the heart
Brought them together with the power of love,
Encouraged procreation. Filled the world with siblings
You are the creator. You said love rules the world!
But added a drop of hatredness in everyone's blood
Why did you do this?

Sunlight in the day, moonlight at night
Twinkling stars in the sky
Lines of lightening in the midst of clouds
You have so much light to spare
But how you forgot to keep a star in every heart
You sent to this dark world?

Patience of the land, vastness of the the sky
Fickleness of the water, fastness of the wind
Nature is always a teacher, You are the dictator!
And we are the pawns dancing to your tunes.
But why enemity and pain everywhere
Why scarcity of peace in this world?

Your creations are the best and the most beautiful
Full of colours, full of emotions and songs
Everything in abundance!
Entire Universe is your canvas!
so vast, so deep and so clear!
You are nowhere though we feel you everywhere
You are the beholder you carry the universe.
But how are you and where are you?

Oh God
You are the creator
You are the mentor
You are the destoyer
I salute you for whatever you are!
Take me with you In the correct path
Whatever I do!

Silver Lining Behind Every Dark Cloud

Uncertainties of life are not recognized until unexpected calamities strike us. We can not predict tomorrow - in fact even the next moment is unknown to us. We have no choices!

We were always thinking that life will be as we had planned until that fateful moment when we were in a serious road accident on 18th July 2005 around midday. One second - one blink of an eye was enough to change all our tomorrows. Our future took a steep turn before we even knew it.

We were returning by car from Cochin- my husband, my elder son Subhash, and our three year old grand son Siddarth. Our journey was smooth till we reached the toll gate near Coimbatore. When we entered one toll gate it did not open. We were asked by the gate attendant to enter through another gate. We had to reverse back and enter through the other gate without knowing what awaits us a few minutes ahead.

Siddarth wanted to use the restroom so we had to take a break soon after we entered the L&T highway. We resumed our journey and must have traveled about a mile. Just then I noticed one fully loaded truck coming haphazardly towards us from the opposite direction. I told my son Subhash who was driving the car, “Why is that truck swaying like that?’’ We were on a bridge. There was no room to steer the car to the side. Next moment everything was blank.

I do not remember what happened next except for one moment when Subhash was telling me in a choked voice ‘Amma try to breathe deeply’. For one second I opened my eyes and saw my husband lying still motionless on the front seat with wreckage all over him. With my left hand I searched for my grand son. That is the last I remember. When I opened my eyes again we were in the ICU of a hospital with excruciating pain all over my body.

The days after the accident were horrible. I was lying with multiple fractures to five ribs, pelvic bone and a crushed hip bone. My husband had suffered a head injury and multiple fractures to his left thigh and left arm bones. I got to know the details of the traumatic incident and the sufferings thereafter from my children. It was almost a fatal road accident. Our brand new Honda city car was completely smashed. Looking at the wreckage of the car nobody believed that the passengers made it out alive. It was some miracle that Subhash was not injured much. He had deep bruises on his forehead and had crushed two of his toes. Due to the impact of the collision, the steering wheel was pushed back to within a couple of inches from his chest and he somehow managed to squeeze out of the wreckage. His first thought was that everyone inside the car was dead. There was an eerie silence all over. He peeped inside the car and he could see my husband and me lying unconscious but his son was no where at sight. I cannot imagine what must have gone through his head at that time. He thought his son must have been thrown out of the car. He looked every where but could not find Siddarth. When he looked inside the car again, he could see Siddarth’s bare feet under the front seat which was pushed back due to the massive impact. Father was on the front seat lying unconscious with the wreckage all over him. He opened the back door and pulled Siddarth out from under the seat fearing the worst. By the grace of God nothing happened to his son except one long bruise on the neck. But the child was under severe shock. Seeing us lying motionless and his papa’s bleeding forehead he started crying ‘Papa, Ajja died, Ajji died, you please don’t die.’ He was clinging to Subhash. It was a lonely road. There was no help available immediately. Subhash was not sure whether we were alive or not. I cannot imagine the mental trauma Subhash must have undergone at that moment.

One lady driving on that road saw the accident and stopped to offer help. She took the crying child and put him in her car. The front door on the left where my husband was sitting was completely jammed. Subhash could not open it. He could open the right side door at the back where I was sitting. My body was completely twisted it seems as if all the bones below the hip were broken. I was unconscious but breathing slowly. That gave him some hope and he asked me to breathe deeply. That was the few seconds I opened my eyes. Subhash pulled me out of the car and laid me down on the road. By that time some people gathered. It took more than half an hour to open the front door and pull my husband out. He was also breathing. Somebody had called an ambulance and we were lifted into the ambulance. Subhash told them to drive to the nearest hospital. He then informed his in laws in Cochin about the accident.

The ambulance took us to Abhirami Hospital in Coimbatore. Subhash did not like the atmosphere of that hospital but there was no time to choose and we needed immediate treatment. First aid was given; x-rays were taken. They found the areas of fractures but they were not able to tell whether we will survive or not. My husband was unconscious. Breathing was difficult for me because of the fractures in six of my ribs. The pain was unbearable. I was responding whenever somebody called out. I was diabetic, asthmatic and suffering from hyper tension. That was serious cause for concern. By evening Subhash’s in-laws arrived. When they took the crying child from Subhash’s hands, Subhash broke down it seems. Till then he had held back his emotions. Being a doctor, he could understand the sufferings we were under going. He was helpless. He had little hopes about our survival. The odds were stacked against us. He could not shift us to any other better hospital because of our serious condition.

We were fighting death. Subhash called my sisters in Bangalore. At night he called Sathwik, our second son who was in the US. It was a very tough phone call to make. He could not say much except ‘I think I have caused our parents death’ and broke down. He could just say that it was a serious road accident. Hearing this Sathwik was in utter disbelief. It was shocking news to digest because just the previous day he had a long lively chat with his parents. His manager was very understanding and permitted him to take off to India immediately.

By next morning all my sisters and brothers were in Coimbatore. Luckily by the second day at about 9 pm Dr. Dinakar Rai and his uncle Sri K.S.Hegde came in search of us. Mr. Krishnaraj Rai, (Aishwarya Rai’s father) informed them about the accident. Subhash requested Dr. Dinakar Rai to shift us to a better hospital. They made all arrangements to shift us to PSG Hospital where Dr. Dinakar Rai was the chief orthopedic surgeon and by evening we were shifted to PSG hospital, which was a renowned hospital. Looking back, I think we were destined to survive though no one imagined at that time that we would pull through. It was the wish of the Almighty.

Because of the head injury my husband was in a coma for four days. Doctors were planning on doing a head surgery before operating him for his other injuries. But Subhash was not prepared for this till Sathwik’s arrival. Luckily on the fourth day he gained consciousness and faintly recognized a few people and started asking for me. They had to pull his bed near my bed to show him that I am alive. Both the children said that was a very touching moment. Only tears spoke.

Sathwik reached Coimbatore on the fourth day. Though he was calling every now and then he had no idea of the exact condition till he landed in India. He was prepared for the worst. Subhash was much tensed to face him. When he brought Sathwik to us he just uttered, ‘‘This is because of me, I should have died.’’ Hearing this I started crying. I told him in a weak voice, ‘‘Its better that we are injured. If something had happened to you or Appu (grandson) how could we ever have faced it? We are old. It’s alright if something happens to us. Please don’t say that. God is kind enough to save you and your son.’’
All our relatives had come to see us thinking that we were living our last days. After my husband came out of the concussion he was operated and his thigh and arm fractures were set with steel plates and bolts. But his behavior was very unpredictable because of his head injury. He was angry, depressed and violent at times. He would try to get out of his bed. It was very difficult to control him when he was awake.

Next day I was operated to set my hips with steel plates. There was no fix for my fractured pelvic bone and broken ribs. They had to heal with time and proper care. I could not move even an inch on the bed. There were tubes all over me, one for passing urine, one for draining the fluid collecting around my lungs because of pneumonia, one for injecting glucose and there was an oxygen mask for my asthma. My legs were like wooden logs, heavy and swollen. I was suffering from acute pain but I tried my best not to show it. That is my nature. Sometimes tears rolled off my eyes when I could not bear the pain. The doctor had expressed doubts about my walking. My sisters were very upset and I believe they even prayed that if I can not walk it is better I donot survive. They could not imagine me in an immobile state for the rest of my life because I was a very active person.

My husband was shifted to the ward from the ICU a few days after his operation. His health condition was better except for his mood swings. I was kept in the ICU for some more days because my left lung was failing. It had almost stopped functioning. Breathing was difficult. Lying down straight all day like a corpse was very depressing. Mentally I was loosing hope and I was sinking. I wanted to die instead of suffering like this. Seeing my condition, doctors shifted me to the ward so that I could be among my people.

We were kept in two separate rooms and I was unaware of my husband’s mood swings for many days. Later my children told me about it. Sometimes he was not able to recognize even his children. He would get angry with everybody. All the time two of our close relatives took turns and stayed with us. That is the advantage of a big family. We may not see each other regularly when everything is fine. But during times of trouble all lend hands. Family support is the essence of our culture.

Every morning x-rays of my lungs were taken to check for any improvement. I was put on a special cot with many hooks hanging from top so that I could pull my upper body with the help of my hands while the x-rays were being taken. My sister was finding it difficult to lift my swollen legs all by herself. Two people were needed to lift my legs while giving me the bedpan. When my husband could sit on a wheel chair, he was brought to my room. But we both were blank. It was the first time we were seeing each other eye to eye after several days. We could not speak and we both broke down seeing each others miserable condition.

We were in PSG hospital for over a month. My sister Sudha was with me throughout. My lungs showed some improvement before we left for our home in Bangalore. Before leaving my husband could sit up with the help of the physiotherapists. But I could not even turn on the bed without help.

Shifting us to Bangalore by plane was another ordeal. Heavy doses of pain killers were given to us so that we could bear the pain. We were lifted along with the bed sheets into the plane and on to our seats. It was an hour’s journey but an extremely difficult one. My uncle, Dr K.S Shekar, Chairman of Bangalore Hospital, along with Dr, Hemichandra Shetty, orthopedic Surgeon, came to the airport with an ambulance. We were brought to Bangalore Hospital as two helpless suffering bodies.

In Bangalore Hospital, we underwent a lot of physiotherapy. Our other health conditions had improved. Except for regular medications there was no other treatment. But the trauma of the accident had a toll on my husband more than me. He went into depression. We were in Bangalore Hospital for fifteen days. At that time my husband and I were in the same room and I witnessed my husband’s mood swings for the first time and cried death would have been better. Thinking of those days is still a nightmare.

We had left our house on 15th July and had planned on returning on 17th July. Life was absolutely normal and we were a couple lot of people admired because of how socially active we were even after retirement. Life had changed so rapidly. We were brought back to our house after 45 days like two useless bodies fully dependent on others. Two nurses were appointed to look after us. Everybody was happy that we survived. But I was questioning God – Why this kind of life? What have we done for such a big punishment? I was longing for death. Both our children were struggling hard to make us comfortable. They wanted us to live.

We were confined to our beds.The days were longer. The ordeal seemed unending. Our children were with us lending all the mental and physical support. Subhash could not return to his job in the Gulf in time and he lost his job. He had to stay back to look after us. Sathwik stayed back for some more time and was unwilling to leave us in that state. He was trying to induce confidence in us. Our grandson Siddarth was in Cochin with his other grand parents. Subhash brought him back to us. The child’s presence, his plays and laughter infused some life into the house.

A Physiotherapist came home daily and made us do some exercises. When I was finally able to turn to the other side on my own, I was very happy. But walking was still a distant dream for me. My husband could go to the toilet with the help of the nurse. But his depressive moods caused anxiety for everyone. Two and half months passed without any hope for future. I was also feeling depressed. Slowly I was able to sit up on the bed. Subhash bought a laptop and persuaded me to resume my writing. But I was blank. Nothing was coming to my mind except the pain we have undergone and were still undergoing. My confidence had been shattered.

Seeing our children struggling, one day I realized, ‘God has saved us from such a bad accident. It is our second life. I must come out of this trauma. I must get back my confidence and smile. I must stand up and start walking. I must help my husband to come out of his depression.’ This feeling became stronger and stronger and mentally I developed a positive desire to stand up and walk. About fifteen days after taking this decision I stood up with some support and started learning to take small steps just like a small child learning to walk for the first time. I experienced a strange sense of jubilation inside me. Yes, I can walk! It was a great experience- learning to walk at the age of sixty! Gradually I could sit for 15-20 minutes every day. Then Sathwik kept a canvas, some brushes and paints in front of me and started persuading me to start painting. Painting had been my passion before the accident. But at that time I refused to paint because of the pain I was experiencing in my left leg and the difficulty I was having in sitting up. I was not able to concentrate. But I knew I needed some form of outlet to forget everything and come out of the trauma completely. I could not sit idle all day and wallow in my pain. Luckily my hands were not hurt. I could use them freely. God is never that cruel I thought. Sathwik’s employers were very considerate and allowed him to work from home so that he could stay with us nearly for three months. When Sathwik left for the US we had just learnt how to walk a few steps without tripping. He left with a heavy heart.

Two months before the accident I met artist Nimi Ravindranath in Bangalore Club where she had started offering painting classes. I joined her classes. But I never thought I will pursue it or I will do achieve some success with paintings at this late stage of my life. I was the eldest student and though the teacher was young we shared a very good rapport. I was her favorite student. From her I learnt the techniques of fabric painting, glass painting and oil painting. In two months I made three paintings. Then this accident put a full break to all my activities. At the time of the accident I was the president of Karnataka Women Writers Association and I was very active in the literary field. I was also involved with a few social service organizations.

After 6 months I was out of the wheel chair and could go to the bathroom on my own. That was the biggest relief. We were walking with walking sticks inside the house. With the support of the railings we could climb the steps. Then my teacher friend, Nimi persuaded me to attend her painting classes again and start painting. I was reluctant. But she was persistent. Someone had to take me there. I could not drive around like before. Subhash hired a driver. With a walking stick in my hand I started going to the classes. That was the turning point. I immersed myself in colors. Colors of confidence started spreading inside me. I forgot everything even the pain. I came out of the trauma of the accident completely. I got back my confidence. I painted and painted. Nimi was encouraging me. I really got immense mental peace. My husband could not come out of the trauma like me. His head injury had a tremendous impact on him. He had lost interest in everything. He was unwilling to even write which he had been so passionate about.

For the next two years I spent my time with paints and brushes. Our house was full of paintings. Seeing my work my children and my teacher persuaded me to have an exhibition. I never ever dreamt that one day I will have a painting exhibition of my own. I had only started painting seriously at the age of sixty to over come the trauma and depression caused by the accident. Sathwik had put images of my paintings on two websites. I was getting a lot of appreciation and comments from art lovers all over the world. It encouraged me and I decided to have an exhibition. I wanted to tell the world that if we make up our mind we can do anything at any age and in any adverse situation. My story is a tiny example of that. I am sure there are many who have passed through tougher situations. They might not have told the world their story. But I want to tell people that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud. We have to brighten up our life with that thin light. My painting exhibition was a success and it is the greatest success in my life. It was possible only because of my children and my teacher Nimi Ravidranath.

It’s been two years and seven months now since the accident. Though it was extremely traumatic, it taught me the toughest lessons of life. As all of us know life is no bed of roses. It is difficult and there is always uncertainty. It’s a challenge. We have to accept the challenge. We must live for the present moment instead of brooding over the past or dreaming of the future. Life has its own ways. Now I am more confident though physically I cannot do all the things which I was able to before. I had to step into my husband’s shoes and take on a lot of his responsibilities since he was under depression and was still recovering. Life had to go on. God has blessed us with two very good sons who looked after us with great love and patience. Our grand son brought us happiness when we were passing through a very difficult phase of our life. All our relatives and friends prayed for our recovery and stood by us. What else could we have asked for? The accident even brought out an artist in me which would never have happened if everything had been normal.

We have no choices but surely we can choose the way how we can make use of the chances given to us.

K. Usha P. Rai,
345, Samrudha, Laxmi Road, Shanthinagar, Bangalore-560027
e-mail: usharai@gmail.com

Maturity

I stand alone
At the verge of my life
Bare and dry
Raising my head to the empty sky

I stand alone above all seasons
No more sproutings no more blossoms
No more greens, No more daisies
Round my feet as it used to be
When I was young and full of life!
Yet I stand straight into the sky!

The seeds I sprinkled
In my romantic moods when I was full of life
Dancing to the tune of the breeze
Are now sprounting into life
At my own dry feet- green and fresh
Trying to reach my hight!

They stand in contrast
To my bare dry self
Still I stand unique
Like an artists’ striking lines
On the canvas of nature!